Back when I was clean
For a few hours each day, my job entails “working the window” which basically means that I assist our clients with basic banking, mail and information/referral services. These are hundreds of people each day and I do not know most of them because i’m not their case manager but I recognize many because they’ve been coming every/every other day for years for their draw and/or mail. The people that come through our doors are ones that people plain give up on. We follow the “controversial” HARM reduction model so whether you’ve had a drug addiction for 10 years, been homeless for 20 or been in and out of jail for armed robbery, we’re going to try and help you so long as you don’t assault/abuse the staff or other folks in the building.
Today I recognized someone for another reason: she went to my high school. We weren’t friends but we both had that same mental “where do I know you” moment which was confirmed when I looked at her driver’s license to set up her checking account.
Her friend (who seemed to know more what our services were about): Hi, we need to set up an account for my friend here.
Her: How much do I need to start an account?
Me: Anything. You can open one up with a dollar.
Her: Really?
Me: Yea.
Her: [Digs in her pockets and bag and gets a dollar in coins.]
Me: I just need your ID.
Her: [To her friend] (Half-laugh/cry) Look at how I used to look…back when I was clean…
She tells me that the address on her years-old ID isn’t current and tells me the new one. It’s in a rough area where you’d have to go out of your way to avoid drugs/dealers. Her friend proceeded to get the last twenty-dollars from her own account and high-school-woman had her eyes glued on the ten and ten ones, thrilled when I had counted it all in front of them. I don’t work in rehab or treatment so beyond what’s she’s just said as well as my own impression, I don’t know if she’s just started down this road or has been on it for a few years. My guess is somewhere in between.
What I do know is that I had the worst sinking feeling seeing her and I don’t know why. I haven’t felt that bad in a long time since working here. I don’t even think I talked to her once during all those years. I knew she was in sports and popular and probably rich (as a large portion of the students at my HS come from affluent families) but that’s about it. We weren’t in the same grade and we didn’t exactly sit at the same lunch table.
Clients coming in high, drunk, coming off a high, basically getting worse is not something rare. I’ve seen people come in clean and sober and then spiral down to rock bottom after collecting some lump sum of cash either from family, federal assistance, or VA. One guy in particular, I remember personally depositing his check, all $17,000 worth, and seeing him progressively get worse day after day, withdrawing hundreds each time “for rent.” And because the government didn’t require him to have a payee, someone to manage his money, there was nothing I or anyone else could do about it. It’s been less than a month and I think he’s down to $1000.
But if i’m going to be honest, I didn’t and don’t feel anywhere near as bad, I don’t have the same sinking feeling and I don’t wonder to the same extent what the hell happened. It’s different when you know the person at the window. Even if you don’t.