The Old School Lunch

Reading this so-called dating expert give tips on how men should approach women when those men are the ones looking for a relationship reminds me of an awful job expo where a woman presented on “things to remember at the job interview” which turned out to be some of the most general pieces of advice that folks should do out of common courtesy in the job interview, at the grocery store or at home sitting on the couch. It should be universal but people somehow characterize it to be some inherently work or in this case gender specific thing.

Now this guy, this David Wygant, i’m not saying that he’s some Tom Leykis, some Dice Clay but it’s pretty irritating that he makes this thing entirely gender-coded. How men should approach women? As if that’s different than how men should approach men or how women should approach women or how women should approach other women? I’m not saying that all relationships and “approaches” are and should be conducted the same exact way for every single two people on the planet but after reading his “ten tips” I thought that Jesus, isn’t this just how polite human beings should talk to other human beings in general regardless of potential romantic intent?

1. Observe something. Make a comment about something you observe in the environment. This is especially effective at the grocery store. For example, if she is ordering a turkey sandwich, ask her if the turkey is good here.
Make your comment immediate to the situation
Make your comment immediate to the situation and it will seem perfectly natural. No matter where you are, there is always something interesting to comment on.

2. Smile. This shows her that you are friendly and confident. A genuine smile not only feels good to you, but will put her at ease while creating openness in the interaction — a requirement for building rapport.

Smile? I’ll admit, I don’t do this nearly enough with anyone besides people I really know but I think it’s just common courtesy to at least throw out a laugh or wry smile to let people know you’re not pissed. When I first started working at The Old Job, one of the coolest people that worked there always gave great first impressions with folks because he wasn’t all dopey and cheery but he consistently was cordial and, yes, threw out a smile here and there.

3. Do not hesitate. If you hesitate in your approach, this tells her that you are not feeling confident — an immediate turn-off. When you see her, walk over to her within a short period of time (the three-second rule). Show her you are a man who knows what he wants and goes after it.

4. Positive body language. If you approach hunched over with your head down, you are sending negative information about yourself, which makes you dead in the water before you begin. Stand up straight, with shoulders back and chest out, and use a firm yet relaxed walk.

5. Not too fast. If you walk over too fast, you could likely trigger her internal alarm. A calm, casual approach is usually the best way to make her feel at ease with you.

6. Keep eye contact. Never be the first to break eye contact when you approach. If you do, this sends the message that you are not feeling good about approaching. When you use strong eye contact, she will feel more drawn to you. With practice, you can master this.

7. Listen up. Make sure you pay careful attention to what she says. Do not have your response pre-thought out. Women love a man who pays attention to the details of what she says. If you start throwing out random words, she will lose interest fast.

Because you shouldn’t be listening intently when you’re not talking to someone who you’re interested in romantically? Who wants to talk with someone who doesn’t really pay attention to the conversation?

8. Do not fidget. Fidgeting after you approach is distracting and shows you are uncomfortable. If you communicate that you are uncomfortable, she will feel uncomfortable, too, and will close up. Practice being aware of your movements. Pay attention to those movements, or lack of movements, that communicate comfort and confidence.

9. Lighten your tone of voice. The tone of your voice is a very powerful tool. Approaching her in a light and playful tone is one of the best ways to start. You could also begin in a serious tone, accusing her of something like ”
I hope you saved some turkey for me
I hope you saved some turkey for me,” followed by a quick smile to let her know you are joking. Practice playing with your vocal tone with your friends — notice the different reactions you get when you say the exact same thing using varied tones and fluctuations.

10. Lean away from her. A man who leans in too far when he talks often makes a woman feel crowded. A better approach is to lean away from her slightly. This lets her know that you respect her space, boundaries, and are comfortable with yourself.