These balls were made for violence (and that’s just what they’ll do, apparently)
[The Scene: Brad and Reginald are at the local Best Buy looking at the different TVs on sale. A UFC match is playing on every single TV.]
Brad: Dude, did you check out the latest issue of SI!? UFC made the cover, baby! We’re showtime now!
Reginald: You watch UFC?
Brad: Yea, don’t you?
Reginald: I’ve seen it, but I don’t watch it.
Brad: It’s awesome man, Tito Ortiz is so badass. Did you know he’s dating Jenna Jameson? Anyways, it’s going to become so huge in the next few years. Just watch.
Reginald: I believe you, unfortunately.
Brad: We’re going to get all the fans from boxing and that pussy ass WWE.
Reginald: Don’t forget the WWE’s racism too. And sexism. You’ll be getting that too, right?
Brad: Pshaw, you mean we’ll get all their hot babes, man. Ring-girls and shit.
Reginald: What makes it so fun to watch?
Brad: It’s real! It’s balls-to-the-wall ass kicking. It’s really smart and strategic and stuff. These guys train all day every day so it’s their passion.
Reginald: Their passion is to kick a guy’s ass until he’s knocked out or taps out?
Brad: It’s about the art man. Martial arts, duh.
Reginald: I get that it’s martial arts, but don’t you think that it’s a bad message to send out to men and boys?
Brad: What bad message? Come on, they all know that it’s professional and totally something that’s your job. It’s not going to make someone go out and kill another person.
Reginald: That’s not what I said. The bad message is that these “men” are centered around being tough, physically dominant and in all ways violent.
Brad: Guys are just like that. It’s natural. You’ve got a set of balls right? Those balls make testosterone and that shit makes you a little violent. It’s what sets you apart. It’s what made your ancestors able to hunt and kill bison for food.
Reginald: So, just to be clear, my balls make me inherently violent?
Brad: Men have been doing this for ages, man, ages! Think about the coliseum. If anything, it’s less violent and more safe now. It’s as safe as boxing. It’s just what guys like to do.
Reginald: So you’re saying men are inherently hostile and aggressive and wanting to become physically violent.
Brad: Right.
Reginald: But that men can control this violence and contextualize it as a “sport.”
Brad: Your point?
Reginald: You know how many men in America beat women? You know that teen dating violence is on the rise?
Brad: OMG, that’s not in any way connected to the UFC. You’re scapegoating it. OMG, nobody even said anything about beating women. These are guys kicking other guys’ asses. Jesus Christ, you blow it out of proportion.
Reginald: I’m not saying the UFC directly causes men to beat women, i’m saying it contributes to a culture of accepting men as inherently violent, explosive and unable to control their behavior and with that, not responsible for said violent behavior.
Brad: That doesn’t even make sense.
Reginald: You back the UFC because you say that’s just how men are. But you know how many men use the excuse of “I just lost control” after they physically assault or rape a woman? It’s the cop-out excuse for men of the last hundred years. When you have things like “men=bison hunters” you’ve got people thinking that men in any capacity are violent and that they shouldn’t be held accountable for the damage they inflict.
Brad: I’m not saying that. I’m just saying that men shouldn’t pretend to be pushovers who don’t fight when men fight. That’s what we do.
Reginald: That’s bullshit and you know it.
Brad: What’d you say? Say that again. I dare you to say that again to my face!
[Reginald walks off the stage leaving Brad pacing around in a huff. The light dims.]
Sara no H. said,
May 24, 2007 @ 10:17 pm
It makes you wonder whether they’d get it even if you laid it out for them in concise written format like this. Assuming persons with balls that produce testosterone that gets them a little violent are capable of reading, of course
admin said,
May 25, 2007 @ 4:02 am
In many ways, this post reminds me of the really cheesy puppet performances that we’d get in schools telling us to not do drugs. Except to make it really puppet-authentic, I think in the story Brad would have to die in a backyard wrestling match or something.
Renee said,
May 25, 2007 @ 12:54 pm
Well, he’s certainly got a point about the bison. Did you know Ancient Man actually beat bison to death with his balls? It’s troo! That’s why men were the hunters and women the gatherers. No balls, no bison.
Or, maybe, testosterone has nothing to do with one’s ability to hunt. Nah…
admin said,
May 25, 2007 @ 4:30 pm
I can see it on the bumper sticker of some giant Ford truck or something: “no balls, no bison”
admin said,
May 25, 2007 @ 5:10 pm
Oh god, I just remembered. Have either of you seen trucks (they’re usually trucks) with what looks like giant plastic balls complete with some sort of a skin cover hanging at the tail end of the truck. It’s hard to explain, but it disgustingly looks like balls of a mutant dog or something. I’m not sure if this stupidity has reached into Canada yet, Renee, (i’m going to just assume that it was started in the US) but it’s pretty awful. I gotta remember to take a pic next time I see it…
UPDATE: Awful.
Renee said,
May 25, 2007 @ 9:07 pm
I think I saw those truck balls on pandagon or one of the other blogs - I couldn’t believe it! I haven’t seen them in Canada yet, but then again I’m a strict urbanite and can’t remember the last time I saw a pickup truck. I feel lucky!