Observations
[Tomorrow, coincidentally, is Father’s Day]
Today was the first official outing with my Little Brother Jason (not his real name). Jason is a boy who is raised by a young mom. His dad was physically abusive to his mom and he witnessed some of this, so he hasn’t had the best male role models in his life. One of the things his mom told us when we interviewed her was that she hoped the male mentor would be able to, among other things, “show him how to be a good man.” This is not an uncommon thing for single moms to tell us (”so he can learn how to respect women”), but it always strikes me when they’re so open and specific about it.
Jason and I were thinking of what to do on our first outing together and originally we thought it’d be going put-put golf, going to the library (his idea, believe it or not) or watching Kung-Fu Panda. Yesterday, he decided he was very wanting to watch The Incredible Hulk, which was released yesterday. I hesitated because it’s PG-13 and rating wise, he’s not old enough to watch it but his mom gave the green light and I wanted to have a good start.
Our first outing went well. We both had fun talking about video games, the movie, spoken word (he won a school spoken word contest) and my GPS malfunctioning. Outings will pretty much be like this. Fun, low-key outings where it’s just about hanging out. For me, my goal is to be the opposite of what his dad has been by being consistent, supportive, attentive and take him out to have fun.
As we were watching this movie about a man who, in essence, has a monster/rage inside of him (though artificially created) that causes him to be violent and hurt those around him with varying degrees of discerning ability, I thought about when I was younger and when i’d come home, find holes in the walls or broken furniture and it’d turn out that my mom and dad had gotten into a fight and my dad had tossed shit around or punched walls. As my mom would explain to me, he “became a Hulk.”
renee said,
June 16, 2008 @ 4:49 pm
My dad was a lot like that too. Thankfully, it never got really bad (he never hit any of us), but we all had to walk on eggshells around him sometimes.
I’ve thought a lot about men who have these kind of tendencies. Popular opinion makes them out to be “Hulks” who can’t control their rage, but I don’t really think that’s true. After all, people don’t just get frustrated and angry at home, but my dad never lost it during a work meeting or with his male friends. That makes me think that there’s something more calculated in these kind of outbursts.
I think they were a fairly premeditated way of controlling the weaker people in his life. I don’t think he “lost it” at all - he just knew when he could get away with it and how far he could take it.
Anyway, I hope everything works out well with your new Little Bro! I’m sure you’ll be an extremely positive influence in his life.
admin said,
June 16, 2008 @ 7:51 pm
“I think they were a fairly premeditated way of controlling the weaker people in his life. I don’t think he “lost it” at all - he just knew when he could get away with it and how far he could take it.”
There’s a great book by a domestic violence counselor where when he talks to abusers who say they “lost control”..he asks them: “well, did you hit her in the face?” which some wouldn’t because they knew it’d tell the world. “Did you reach for a knife when you were in the kitchen?” Which they wouldn’t because they didn’t want to kill their wives. And on and on where they make calculated decisions during this “uncontrollable rage.” It’s a complete cop-out and I seriously think stuff like the Hulk on some level just reinforces the idea that this is what some men go through. I saw Liv Tyler on the JImmy Kimmel show and as he’s introducing her, he jokingly said “Our next guest plays a woman who tries very, very hard not to make her boyfriend very angry” or some nonsense.
My dad, like a lot of men who are abusive, is pretty sociable and can be charming at times with friends and others. He makes a lot of jokes, smiles a lot and in public he seems fine. He was a decent father (if you can completely discount him being an abusive person to his wife), people at work love him and look to him as the calm, rational person. I think that’s one of the biggest things i’ve learned when getting into DV stuff, it’s everyone. It has to be the nice person who can talk their way out of things because otherwise they don’t survive and people cast them out of their communities.
I never saw my dad hit my mom but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did even though he once told me, after a particularly nasty fight between the two where he and I were in the car and I was bawling, “I’d never hit your mom. No matter what, you never hit women.” Though it meant a lot for him to say that, I knew deep down that he probably “missed” a few times when he was meaning to punch the walls as my mom would stay in his face and argue with him. It’s the old “I didn’t hit her. I was just trying to move through the doorway” thing. And even if he never landed a finger on her, him breaking furniture is emotional abuse. I don’t think people understand that that intimidation is abuse.
renee said,
June 17, 2008 @ 9:18 am
Intimidation is definitely abuse - especially this kind, where there’s such a strong physical component to it.
And that Jimmy Kimmel thing… ick. I always wonder how people can say things like that and think it’s funny. I guess they really just don’t get it.
Your dad and mine sound pretty similar. My dad didn’t hit any of us (at least not to my knowledge), but he was a real throwing stuff aficionado, and few times in my teens he pushed me so hard I fell down or went flying across the room.
The good news is he seems to have mellowed a lot in his old age. He even apologized to me awhile ago for the times he pushed me. I can’t really forgive him, but it means a lot that he’s trying.
I wonder how much of this stuff my brother learned from him. My brother’s got some real rage problems and always has, but I feel like he also has a lot of gentleness to balance it.
You’re obviously proof that fathers don’t necessarily pass these tendencies on to their sons, so that’s a hopeful sign!
Re. Hulk/Jekyl and Hyde type myths - it would be interesting to do a dissection of them and look at how they let abusers off the hook.